It took about over half a year to get pregnant with my son. We didn’t really start trying for another until he was around 3. I had my checkups and everything looked fine. But no luck after about a year. I went to the doc and she wanted me to have my “tubes blown” – you know that test where they inject dye up into your fallopian tubes to see whether there are any issues. She said that for some reason, many women will get pregnant 2-3 months after having this test. She also wanted Tom tested. I said “Him first!” After all, his test was much easier than mine. In the process of getting those things scheduled I got pregnant again. 7 weeks later I had an ultrasound and found out I had “blighted ovum”; embryonic sac but no baby. A few days later I started to miscarry and was brought in for a D&C. In researching that, I found out how very common it is and the doctor assured me that given my ability to get pregnant before and again this time, she didn’t think I had any issues but we could move forward with the tests to find out more.  I had already been thinking about adoption before I’d even gotten pregnant the second time, feeling this pull that the child that was to be in our family wouldn’t come from me. After the miscarraige, we really felt like our path was in a different direction. I never had the tests and other than a home test that said he was fine, neither did Tom.  I guess if we really wanted, we could go do the tests, get me on some fertility drugs and try again. I honestly think we could have another biological child if we pushed it, but that’s just not where our hearts are telling us to go.

So, full speed ahead. I’m a Project Manager and Business Analyst so I had to get data data data! I was all over the internet on site after site, reading about everything. Domestic infant adoption, international adoption… but the one area where I had the hardest time finding any clear information was on adopting from foster care. This I really couldn’t believe, because surely these children are desperately in need of homes? It’s not that I didn’t find *anything* on the internet, just that there was a large lack of how to go about it and where to start. In my local county I found the Wake County Human Services website. When you click on “Adoptions & Foster Care” under the Child & Family header, you get a page with basically two buttons – one to click for Foster Care and one for Adoptions. If you click on “Adoptions”, here’s what you get:

_______________________________________________________________

Why Consider Adoption?

As you consider adoption, keep in mind:

• Both single and married people can be considered as adoptive parents.
• You do not have to own a home.
• People of different ages consider adoption for a variety of reasons.
• Income requirements are flexible, and many types of financial assistance are potentially available.
• Free post-adoptive and support services are offered through Wake County Human Services.

Who are the Children in Need?

Children available for adoption through our agency are in the foster care system and are unable to return home. We are working hard to help them find a permanent family willing to commit their love and so much more. Our children are typically school age and often part of a sibling group. We have a particular need for families willing to consider adopting older children.

The Adoption Resource Team works to bring people and resources together in order to facilitate adoptions for Wake County Human Services.

To learn more about children waiting to be part of a family, call 1-877-NCKIDS-1
or visit http://www.ncdhhs.gov/dss/adopt/index.html 

______________________________________________________________

Now, once you click the link to go into the NC site it has some good information on adoption in North Carolina. I guess my problem was not figuring out that the process on the NC page was what applied to all counties in NC? I didn’t understand that the five agencies listed there were who you had to use (unless you pick a private agency), that HHS did not handle any adoptions from foster care. I don’t know what my problem was, but I just didn’t get it until after the meeting we attended. There is also a great page within the NC site telling the steps to adoption from foster care. While this page says the counties handle the adoptions, the agencies operate within the state and interface to all counties (some more than others). This whole state/county thing confused me at the beginning.

Wow. That got me off on a tangent. Anyway, Tom tended more towards adoptiong from foster care in the beginning. I was looking more towards international adoption since my brother and his wife adopted two children from Russia and a coworker has two beautiful girls from China. Tom is concerned about his age when our children are graduating high school and college and wasn’t very keen on adopting a newborn if we had a choice. I didn’t mind so much, but was thinking that since there were so many people out there that did want newborns, maybe it would be better if we adopted a child here that wasn’t. When we attended the HHS meeting and talked with the case workers, they said they encourage parents to “maintain the birth order” of their children – i.e. if you have biological children, adopt children younger than they are. I wanted to do this anyway because, hey… I don’t really have experience parenting a child older than 4 right now! But because he’s so young yet, that puts our age range at 3 and below… not a huge amount of kids in the system that age. And what makes it even harder is that we don’t want to take a moderate to high legal risk child to foster before adopting (which is how a lot of younger children are adopted out of the system – by their foster parents) because of having our son and worrying about us all bonding together only to possibly have to give her back. Over half of the children who enter the foster system are eventually reunited back with their biological families. I’m just not ready to be able to do that. So, that means both parents have to have signed a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) or that one parent has signed a TPR and an exhaustive, documented search has been done to locate the other parent in order to have them sign, or the courts have removed custody completely from the parents. We would like for the child to already be “adoptable” when we’re matched. This narrows the field down even further. Which is why it was important to us to find an agency that would work with all continental states, which Lutheran Family Services does, just much more so with Texas than with other states. Though due to the hit-or-miss nature of finding matches inter-state, I’d rather go with one agency that has huge success in one other state as well as NC (especially one as big as Texas) than another agency that says they cover them all but really doesn’t do many inter-state adoptions.

So, here we are. We have our application to LFS which I have 80% filled out and we’re in the process of digging up long-buried info to fill out the rest of it. I don’t know at this point what our chances are for finding one little girl age three or under who is elligible for adoption whose foster parents couldn’t adopt her. Hopefully we’re not asking for the impossible. If we can cast a wide enough net maybe we can find her. Right now we’re going with a public agency, but if we have to move to a private agency that may give us better chances, then we’ll do that too if there’s a need. I really am so anxious to be done with the paperwork and classes so we can start looking. I’m just afraid the looking period will take a few years. I sincerely hope not.

Brooke (that’s me): I’d like to get information concerning adopting out of the foster care system in Wake County.
“Jane” (not her real name): We have a meeting on the last Tuesday of every month that you need to attend, it’s at 7pm this coming Tuesday.
Brooke: Is there any literature and an application you could email/mail me?
Jane: You have to attend the meeting to get an application, but I will mail you information.
Brooke: Thanks, we’ll be there. (I give her my name & husbands, my address, etc.)

So, we go to the meeting and I’m happy to see the room is full of people. As we went through the line to get in, our names were not on the list (???) but we were given a packet and went in to sit. The first thing that gets said by Jane is “Is anyone here for just adoption? (Half the room raises their hands) Because this is a meeting about Foster Care. Wake County HHS does not handle the adoption of any of the children within the foster care system. We have 5 agencies that we work with within the state that are approved to adopt children from the foster care system. Two of those agencies are represented here tonight, so if you’ll please go with them you can have an information session with them”.

Ooookay… don’t get me wrong, I’m very glad we’re here to finally be getting some info on how to adopt from the state/county, but couldn’t she have told me that on the phone? We played beat-the-clock to get there after racing to drop our son off with friends who would watch him, only to find out that the only thing we really needed to know was that list of five agencies so we could call them up and check them out. However, it was good to talk with the ladies from the two agencies represented – Lutheran Family Services of the Carolinas (LFS) and The Children’s Home Society of North Carolina (CHS) – so we got some face-time to ask questions in person and hear the questions from the others that we might not have thought to ask. Here’s some of what we found out:

• The place to start is to contact the 5 agencies and ask questions about the things that are important to you in an agency. They have the applications and can get everything started. I’ve included links to all five agencies in the right-hand column of this site under North Carolina Resources.
• All adoptive families are required to take 30 hours of MAPP classes by the state in order to adopt from the foster care system. This class helps prepare families for what to expect in the process, issues they may encounter with the children, parenting techniques for different situations, etc. You can take the MAPP classes from any of the five agencies and all the others will accept it. I say this because the classes normally take around 6 weeks to 2 months to complete and not everyone has a new class starting right when you decide you want to take it. Check around to all of them. LFS has the option of a one-on-one/tutorial type setting for the class for those people who have schedule conflicts and difficulties. It means you have to do reading and work outside of the class time, but it’s a great option for those that can’t spend six straight Saturdays in class. There are some that offer evening classes during the week as well. After you successfully complete the classes and have an approved Home Study, you will actually be licensed by the state to be a foster parent which is required by the State in order to adopt from the system.
• Some agencies will do inter-state adoptions from other state/county systems and some won’t. Even those that do, due to the antiquated systems it’s often just email exchange between case workers that actually gets you exposed to other states’ case workers handling out-of-state children. In other words, if an agency says they do this, ask them how they go about it and how successful they’ve been in the past with finding and placing children from other states. LFS has something like a “sister” relationship with Texas, where they interact with them all the time and place children from Texas in NC frequently. While they do the other 46 continental states as well, they say it’s a bit hit-or-miss.
• The Home Study can take anywhere from 3 months to 12; it all depends on how fast you can get your end of the documentation together. YOU are responsible for getting all of the following certified copies, which takes time:
  - Criminal background checks for every county you’ve lived in since you were 18 years old
  - FBI/SBI fingerprints
  - Birth certificates
  - Marraige certificates
  - Divorce decrees
  - Medical checkups
  I believe the case worker gets the background checks from Child Welfare regarding if there are any past complaints or cases concerning you with them. Also, I believe they get the statement/referral from your current employer and personal references. Your home will need to pass a fire inspection from the Fire Marshall.When we get this process started, I’ll do a complete post on everything regarding Home Studies. In the meantime, for a great site that talks all about the Home Study and what’s involved, click here.
• The agency case workers that were there both told us that everyone is all about full disclosure both about the children and about the adoptive parents/families. Their number one priority is finding the right match for the child, and that includes making sure they know everything from both sides and so do you. What behaviors are you willing to accept? Emotional problems? Physical disabilities? Medical needs? Physical or sexual abuse? The MAPP classes and meeting with your case worker will help determine the answers to these questions. One thing they all emphasized – once you figure your “tolerances” out on what you can accept, don’t stretch those boundaries just because you fall in love with a child’s picture. A lot of the times where they see difficulties after placement is when the parents have hedged into some areas they originally weren’t willing to accept. Understand that the areas where you may have difficulties accepting, someone else out there may be uniquely situated to deal with that very thing. It’s a disservice to everyone not to be completely honest and real about what you can handle and what you can’t.
• These children are traumatized, at best. Keep in mind the reason these children are in the system – because the courts had to remove them from their parents due to neglect, abuse, and/or abandonment. Aside from what they’ve already experienced in their home, they may have gone through a period within foster care where they were with a foster family that they now have to leave, or could have been in a “group home” setting. They may have been through months of the system trying to help their parents rehabilitate so they could have their children back before finally determining that it isn’t possible. The case workers said that at least half of the kids within the system have been sexually abused or exposed to inappropriate sexual content or situations for their age, either within their original home or possibly within the group home from other children. Absolutely none of this is easy for the children. The good thing is, the case worker is there to help every step of the way and knows resources, counselors, and support groups to help you and your new family if needed. These are children that were in bad situations out of their control that are trying to cope as best they can, and most all of them are very good kids who want love that just need a chance, maybe some adjustment time, and a permanent family and home.

So in summary, here’s the process:

1. Contact the agencies and determine which one fits your needs best.
2. Take MAPP classes and complete the Home Study
3. Determine what child attributes, behaviors, and conditions are okay with you so your case worker knows how to search
4. Wait.
5. Wait.
6. Wait.
7. Get the call! You get to review and discuss the dossier of your prospective child in detail with the case worker (both yours and the child’s) and have time to make a decision. If you choose to move ahead, then…
8. Transition begins, starting with a short visit first then building up to overnight visitation. Length and frequency of the visits will depend on the child’s age, personality, and individual needs. If the child is out-of-state, the phone calls happen first (depending on age) then you may be required to fly out for a short period to have some initial meetings before the child is allowed to come back to your home state (and your home).
9. The child is usually in your home for a few months before the adoption petition is filed. These months are not a “trial period”, instead it gives the agency time to work with you and your child to make sure all supportive services you may need are arranged. The Adoption Decree is usually issued 3-6 months after the adoption petition is filed.

That’s all I know for now!

A great place to start is adoption.com, specifically their International Adoption section. I went through ALL of the countries listed and here’s a summary:

My criteria:

• We only wanted to have to travel once if possible
• We wanted the shortest wait times that we could get – anything over two years after our packet was submitted was excessive
• We gave preference to those places where we could adopt a girl if wanted
• We preferred not traveling to countries where the State Department had issued a travel warning

The countries:

1. Korea: I give this one Number 1 status. For Korea, your home study is your application. As long as the agency doing your home study is approved by the agency handling your adoption (and therefore approved by Korea) then you’re good to go. Make sure you find an agency that can adopt from Korea for your state of residence. Not all agencies that do Korean adoptions can do all states (in fact it’s usually just a few). Korea currently has more boys than girls, so wait times right now are @ 12 months for boys, longer for girls. This changes so look it up on agency sites. You can travel to Korea to meet and pick up your child, but travel is not required – Korea is one of two countries I know of that offers a guardian to escort your child to a specific US airport where you can meet them. Korea has a medical system equivalent to the United States so medical care is usually very good. Also, all babies are kept in foster care within a family in Korea – no institutions or orphanages – which also provides excellent nurturing. Be aware that Korea does have medical conditions that must be met by the adoptive parents, including a BMI (Body Mass Index) percentage that neither parent may exceed.
2. China: China is currently going through legal changes to their adoption process that has greatly slowed down everything. China was at the top of my list until I learned that wait times for adoption exceed 3 years right now. Hopefully this will get shorter as the new laws and processes are implemented and become familiar, but I would talk with an agency about current information on China before you decide to go this route. The babies are usually 10-13 months at time of referral and one 14 day trip is required, both parents preferred.
3. Russia: My brother and his wife adopted from Russia six years ago, a boy and a girl. Russia requires two trips in-country: the first trip is 1 week, second trip is from 2-3.5 weeks. Children’s ages start at @10 months at time of adoption. Most children in Russia live in orphanages and therefore experience at best mild delays in development. I can say when my brother’s little girl came home at 8 months old, she wouldn’t focus on any objects past about 10 inches from her face. The boy at 1 year old was much more outwardly focused and engaged and had been a favorite at his orphanage, getting more attention than the other children. Now they’re both seven years old and entering 1st grade this fall. The road hasn’t always been easy, but they are two wonderful, beautiful children and are doing very well. We didn’t put Russia high on our list because of all the travel time required and having to coordinate that with our young son back home. I mean, if this was our only option we’d certainly figure it out.
4. India: Children over 3 can be adopted out of India and the wait time is 8-16 months, but let me qualify that. India has a priority/preference list of who may adopt Indian children that starts with those that are of Indian descent that hold Indian citizenship (both parents, then one parent), those of Indian descent without Indian citizenship, then others. This is greatly abbreviated – see a specific agency to get details (WACAP, MAPS). Because we were looking for a child 3-4 years old and neither my husband or myself are of Indian descent, we didn’t really pursue the India option because the wait would be longer for us and the possible children older. India requires 1 trip of 7-10 days in length and one or both parents may travel.

Other options from adoption.com that in summary may meet our requirements:

• Georgia: Wait time is listed at 6+ months, one 14-day trip required; said there was an agency in NC licensed to do adoptions from Georgia – Carolina Adoption Services – but when I go there they don’t list Georgia as one of their countries; They do have Armenia, Bulgaria, Moldova, Russia, and Ukraine
• Phillipines: Wait time is 11-20+ months, one 5-7 day trip required where one or both parents travel; I haven’t located an agency that can give me specifics on adopting from the Phillipines within NC
• Taiwan: Children are infants with more boys than girls, 1 week travel required of both parents; I haven’t located an agency that can give me specifics on adopting from Taiwan from NC

Countries that are closed to adoption, have State Department Travel Warnings, adopt only older or medically special-needs children, or require too long a stay in-country for them to be an option for us:

• Peru: limited adoption of older, special-needs children
• Nepal: suspended due to political unrest
• Guatemala: currently on hold as of June, but check with agencies for updates; Guatemala would’ve been a good option for us if they had been open
• Columbia: State Dept travel warning
• Haiti: State Dept travel warning
• Kazakhstan: temporarily closed – check agency for updates
• Ukraine: requires 2 trips, both 2-6 weeks in duration
• Vietnam: currently closed – check agency for updates

Others on our No list but I didn’t write out why, so usually that meant they didn’t do international adoptions or the stay was very long in-country (over 2 months):

• Armenia
• Japan
• Albania
• Argentina
• Azerbaijan
• Belarus
• Bolivia
• Brasil
• Bulgaria
• Cambodia
• Chile
• Costa Rica
• Dominican Republic
• Ecuador
• El Salvador
• Estonia
• Greece
• Honduras
• Hong Kong
• Hungary
• Latvia
• Liberia
• Lithuania
• Mexico
• Moldova
• Nicaragua
• Panama
• Paraguay
• Romania

All this info is great, but here’s the thing: do an internet search for International Adoption Agencies and see what they say. Because some agencies can only service some states, some of these countries may not be an option even if adoption is open. OR, you may need to find an agency within your state that will work with or has an existing relationship with an agency that can handle the country you want to adopt from. The agencies have the latest information and make their own policies regarding who they work with. Sometimes they close a certain country to new applicants for different reasons. It’s the agency that you work with, so find out their wait times, travel recommendations, and child ages for the country through them – their information is the most accurate.

After initial introductions, the agent – let’s call her “Anne” (not the real name) – began to explain their process. This agency matches up birth mothers with adoptive parents. The birth mother goes through the adoptive families’ profiles and chooses the parents. But before that, a lot goes in to screening the birth mother.

The birth mother screening process starts after the first trimester. They see if they can get her covered on Medicaid. She’s tested for: AIDS, HIV, Hepititis, STDs, and full toxicology (drug testing). Her and her family’s health history is taken so they understand the full medical history of the baby. This may or may not include the father’s history depending on whether the father is known. They interview her extensively to understand how she feels about putting her child up for adoption and all the reasons behind it. They say they screen out anyone that shows the slightest reluctance, because there are so many birth mothers “available”. I guess their process is pretty good, because she claims in the end, only 10-11% of their birth mothers keep the child after birth.

When a birth mother picks the parents, there is a phone call – typically around 2 hours – with the birth mother, the agent, and the adoptive parents for them to meet. If the match is acceptable to both, then everything looks good.

Responsibilities of the adoptive parents

The money:

• Possible monthly allowance for expenses to birth mother, usually from about 5-6 months into the pregnancy until birth; an allowance is set that expenses do not exceed
• Can opt to pay for housing/rent for the birth mother; Anne says only one time in all of her years working there did a mother keep the baby that stayed in the agency’s housing subsidized by the adoptive parents (so, supposedly increases the chances of everything going through)
• All the fees – Marketing & Advertising, legal retainer, legal fees, adoption service fee, home study cost, criminal background checks & fingerprint costs, administrative fees; all of these added together this particular agency’s bill added up to @$30,100 not including all the medical birth mother expenses

The adoption style

The adoptive parents can also choose what contact they are willing to have with the birth mother. We were asked how we felt about providing updates and pictures. We were hesitant. Anne assured us that if we weren’t willing to provide some amount of updates, we wouldn’t ever be picked by a birth mother or could wait for years and years. We were a little taken aback by this as we feel this is adoption, not a baby lease program. She explained how it is imperitive to the birth mother’s healing process and after a few years, many no longer desire updates. They just want to be assured their baby is happy and well cared-for. This I can understand, but I’m still not sure how I feel about it. We would legally be bound to provide updates as long as the birth mother wanted them which could be from once or through 18 years. I believe the adoption process in and of itself is an assurance to the birth mother. She screens the parents and she chooses. After all, there are only three choices for her: abortion, adoption, or raising her own child. Choosing life for her baby and giving it up for adoption is an excrutiating and wrenching choice, but is also an incredible blessing for both the child and the parents that adopt him or her. If I were a birth mother, I would want the family I picked to treat my child as if they were their own biological child, love them just the same and feel no difference. Speaking as an adoptive parent – as ME – when I adopt that child will be MY child in every sense, not to deny that they’re adopted, but to say that I will love and cherish them and have the same heart connection that I have with my own son.  I’m just not sure how it would feel to me to be responsible for ongoing communication about my child to the birth mother. That’s not to say I wouldn’t, just that… I don’t know.

When the baby is born, the adoptive parents travel to the birth mother’s hospital and are there to take the baby with them. Where they may or may not meet with the birth mother, relatives, etc. Within 24-72 hours depending upon the state, the birth parents sign the release form (TPR – Termination of Parental Rights), and then the adoptive parents can legally adopt. I’m sure there’s forms about the adoptive parents retaining custody, etc. However that is handled, the parents are usually onsite from 1-2 weeks until paperwork is finalized and they can take the baby home.

Choosing the sex of the baby

We were asked whether we cared about the gender of the baby. Since we have a son, we said we preferred a girl but if it came down to it, we didn’t have a preference. Anne told us if we wanted to select a specific gender we were greatly increasing our risk that the birth mother would keep the baby, along with extending the time period of us being picked by a birth mother. She says knowing the sex of the baby gives a greater bond to the birth mother. Every time they see a little girl while they’re carrying their child, they start to identify with the child as theirs and start envisioning their future. It gives the birth mother months to think about this. If the adoptive parents will take either gender, they agency does not condone knowing the sex of the baby with the birth mother. If there is a gender preference, there is a possibility of having a birth mother that already knows the sex and is proceeding with putting her child up for adoption, but this isn’t as often. We were strongly encouraged not to designate a specific sex.

So, needless to say we had a lot to think about after talking with Anne. We were still at the research stage at this point and had other options to investigate, so we let this simmer while looking at other options. Next installment… the international search.

I also want to document our journey through this process for myself, my family, and the child we’ll hopefully be blessed with! So, give me a little time to figure out this WordPress format and start posting all my stuff.  If I’m able to help even one person with questions, this will be worth it.